Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I wanna...

Months have passed since my last entry. Now I feel like writing again.

Trying to tell you what my heart is longing for. I wanna love. I wanna love again like when I was a teenager. Like in highschool. Wild, and careless. I remember when I loved back then. I was so upset always. So wild, and somehow strange. I felt like in heaven, and when I argued with my beloved one I wanted to die. Like the world would have collapsed. Of course it wasnt the end of the world. But I had so many emotions. Eternal love is what I wanted to find.

Always going and drinking with friends, with my boyfriend on my side. Always laughing always smiling always so happy. I was so happy at that time. SO free so not caring so in love. I would have died for my love. I would have gave my soul to the devil. I woke up every morning excited and waiting for the morning sunshine just to get to school to see him. To see HIM. Always rushing to school and coming home late. Always hanging with friends and with my love. I really felt so free. I felt like nothing can go wrong and this will last for ever. Like a dream. I felt like screaming from happiness. Always hugging him so strong like nothing before. Always so young.

But when you are left. Now thats the real nightmare. Crushed and broken. Crying and crawling. Depressed and lonely. When you are forgotten. Trying your best to win someone back but it wont work. And you leave eachothers side like strangers, like monsters like ...you cant even tell it how. And you build a wall. You build it together but you dont speak to eachother. And it kills you slowly in your heart, in the deeps. The wounds wont heal in a day, nor in a month. Maybe not even in a year.

Then you only wish to runaway. Far away. As far as possible. In the darkness. Or in light but only just to fake your feelings. You just wanna get over him. But getting over means forgetting but forgetting means losing, losing means pain, pain means suffering. Devils circle. It hurts anyway. There is no other way. Kill and being killed. Thats love. The tears come down on your face everymorning when you wake up and you already hate the sunshine. Cauz you know you cant hug him this morning or the next one either. Maybe...never again. And thats why I hate to love.

R.I.P my love


ĐǿЯą said...

I loved your entry. You really can feel and that's amazing.
I think, although it's horrible sometimes, and in spite of the (seemingly) unbearable pain that inevitably comes with losing someone, there will always be someone that it's worth living for - even if you haven't already known this person. Maybe you'll meet him in a month, next week or in two years. You can never know. And I also believe that a door have to be closed so that another could be open. A friend of mine told me that we can't have just one "time of our lives". Maybe you thought that this love and this period was the time of your life. But there will be another one. And another. And that makes life beautiful. Hard, but still beautiful. Having emotions makes me feel alive. And I will never want to give that up.

Andika said...

Wow:) thanks a lot. Your comment gave me power. Nice to know that you can unnderstand me. Really, this felt good . :)